I used to write journals when I was younger. I wrote all the time, mostly when I was feeling depressed and my parents were yelling or I had just gotten home from the bar and needed to let off a little steam. Of course I would also scribble pages when I was in love or was having boy troubles and actually attempting to figure them out! I also wrote about things that were happening to me; my experiences, what I was going through. It helped me release and actually more than anything, it was someone to talk to. I had friends, and although I am probably known as one of the most talkative, someone who carried her ‘heart on her shoulder’ (never really leaving anything out), I actually had a lot of deep-seeded thoughts I never shared. I had a pretty rough childhood and how I got through it (I realized later in life) was to put on a face that everything was alright. You know, the class clown, the popular girl who always had something interesting to say. I wouldn’t fabricate stories, just almost sense my surroundings and my audience, and amuse with jokes and stories. A skill I picked up. Sometimes I would tell them about my past (as I found out) and what happened to me as a child - my mother dying when I was only 10 months old and how my parents were really my 5th cousins … a crazy story that my rich sheltered friends would of course not relate to and so they would gather as if I were telling a scary ghost story around a campfire. Sometimes at sleepovers we would play with a Ouija board and would try to ‘bring my mother back’. They would giggle and think it was so cool. Long after the others had fallen asleep, I would lye awake and cry. It was ‘a story’ and although I felt sad about it, deep down I felt almost guilty that I couldn’t deeply relate to it as I felt I should have, but of course I was too young when it all happened, so how could I? (also, there was SO much I didn't even know at the time) Anyway, I realize now that even though I may not have been in the top of my class when it came to grade-point average, I was aquite creative. Which is strange because I never thought of myself that way. In fact, I don’t really ever remember thinking of myself at all. I mean, I never took the time to realize my strengths such as creativity or singing or writing. I guess I still don’t, I only mention those things because of what came out of me in the years that followed school. And, from those around me in awe of the way I can sort out any situation ... I seem to just 'jump into action', am intuitive and resourceful, organized, can talk my way out of anything (not sure how I picked those up actually!) Probably because from pre-school to Grade 12, I had no choice but to basically just ‘get through’ what was in front of me. I dealt with some big issues at a young age which caused me to have to grow up pretty quickly. I guess I chose to deal with it by unconsciously becoming someone else, in order to fit in. By doing so, I never focused on myself. The report cards, feedback, and comments were more like: ‘Chantelle is a bright young lady who should spend more time paying attention in class.” Any writing I ever handed in brought surprise to my teachers I think because they could see that I wasn’t a ditz, which I am sure I acted like at times. I missed a lot of school and yet still managed to pass – either they saw something in me or felt sorry for me, or I was good at making people do things I wanted them to – by acting as I did as a child (sensing my audience and what they wanted to hear) So, many people go through a traumatic childhood and take on the problems they grew up with and not to say that I do not have issues that have stemmed from that (like perhaps I drink too much, have a very bad temper, am quite sensitive to criticism, I have many bad issues with men, oh and money!) but I think I actually turned out alright! I am a good person, I care for others, never been in trouble with the law or hurt anyone. I go out of my way for people and genuinely try to do well in life. But, I still have the same deep-seeded issue. And even though I may have picked up some survival skills along the way (which I learned later in life are hard for some people) there are some days I wished that I didn't have to go through all of that to learn them and other days I realize, if I hadn't, I would not be the person I am today, whoever that is. It isn’t until after a few drinks and a computer screen in front of me that I get real deep and admit that, I still do not know myself. I have always been jealous of women that ‘take the time, know themselves’. You know, the kind who do yoga, jog, read interesting books, and take classes. I still just live my life by feeling and reaction. I don’t often stop to enjoy life. Ok so I guess there are moments where I feel happy. Times where I sit there and think: my house is nice, I love my job and I am so close with my parents it is awesome! I have great friends (although I never see! Except Val who is my best friend in the world, see everyday @ work and I sometimes fear that I take for granted, cause the truth is I would have never gotten through all of that when I was growing up if it wasn't for her! She was the one who stood up for and with me and honestly don't know what kind of person I would have been if it wasn't for her! But I get so wrapped up ya know! On to the next dilemma before me. Mostly, I think of the things that are wrong in my life…money worries and how my husband and I are so unalike. I worry that I am with someone who doesn’t really get me and if we are truly right for one another. I grasp at the funny and good moments and the trip we took across the country - that led us to being together and wonder what would have happened if we hadn't - and if I can be happy with him for the next 60 years. and then he comes upstairs and says some random thing and I think 'ugh, I love him. Were stuck together!' I sometimes think about the things I feel I was meant to do in my life and about my belief that life is about choices and one decision can change your life, open up a whole new world! (Note I go back and forth between ‘you choose your destiny’ and fate) and so I get mad at myself for not signing up for singing classes or getting my license for god’s sake! The part that lets me procrastinate is the “if it is meant to be, it will just happen” (fate) idea. Wow, just writing that makes me realize I really just have to pick up the phone and make that shit happen. Funny, I spend my time thinking about what we need for the house, what the business needs, people I have to call or email, bills I have to pay – to the point where I almost obsess until I can put a little checkmark beside it. And I can’t book a friggin’ singing lesson or study a drivers ed book. Huh. And I have to say that I have more time now than I have ever had. Ok. So here is the start of my “Shit I Have To Get Done b4 I Turn 34” (um, that’s next month!) … only 5 things! I can handle this!
1. Start exercising! Bike ride, hello…you live around the corner from a park, have a great bike and a friend to go with!
2. Start eating healthy (breakfast at least!)
3. Call studio re: singing lessons!
4. Start studying the drivers ed book – seriously! … and get driving!
5. Creative projects: wedding album & painting around the house.
Ok so my next message will be my progress!
… and anything else I may have on my mind at the moment ;)
Chantelle
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